The Griffin: volume 53, issue 21 - MUD, 1983

              by Dada Marawana 'This neutron bomb is hidden somewhere on campus. Don't worry though, I've put some orange peels near it so maintenance can find it." — Signed, same guy who bomb scared Koessler. St. Irving Ignauseus, Canisius' First Crossing Guard. Photo by the Trucker's Association Photo by John Enjoin v ,  stopped by philosophy 'Dry'18-year olds riot; Several hundred mentally deranged freshmen stormed the beer truck chanting "Eighteen! You're damn right! Move your ass or join the fight!" The irate students managed to sneak past security guards by injecting them with an extract from the "mystery meat" found at dinner. This injection worked in tying up the security guards, but backfired in. the sense that the bathrooms were occupied for the entire quad party by the guards. Everyone knows how they are always on the "run". After taking over the beer truck, the eighteen year olds climbed to the top of the truck and did their infamous MOON dance. Later it was discovered that five or six of the dancers were treated for blisters on the buns from repeated exposure to the sun. Control was finally brought about when the Jesuits pulled their secret weapon, a philosophy lecture, that proceeded to put the eighteen year olds in a comatose state. They were then hauled off to the Canisius Kiddie Pen where they were held until their parents came to pick them up. by Smedly Klutenheimer Beer starved freshmen battle towards beer truck Photo by John Belu&hi VOLUME LIII, NUMBER XXI giHlFV v ; ': W- ;W.. ■•: tjMr %■ r I Sainted Crossing Guards Honored MUD, 1983 night before arid a tad confused about his surroundings, he went into the chapel to get his bearings and throw up. According to legend, a voice spoke to him as he knelt prostrate in front of the altar, retching. The voice said, "Hi, I'm Father Dumjske, but just call me "Prez", where are your parents and what is your income?" Fingers interpreted this cryptic message as "Go to Main and Delaware and direct traffic." Fingers was wiped out by a truck a few years ago and was cannonized by mail order seven weeks later. Here's to you, Fingers! CLINK! Today the Griffony honors the very reverend, very famous, and very dead Saint Irving "Fingers" Ignauseus, Canisius College's first crossing guard. Ignauseus, known by his good friends and his analyst as "Fingers" because of the fact that he had only three and a half fingers on his right hand due to a tragic accident which happened when he was just a small child growing up in South Buffalo. His dad explained the accident, "I caught the little shit pickin' his nose so he had an accident." Dad, who died several years ago, had nothing more to add. Growing up in a third world country was hard on little Fingers. His father's fetish for blenders finally forced him to abandon his ambiutions to be a cracker-salter in Detroit, he had to go to saint school and learn to wear a polyester cossack and pretend to understand the bead necklace he was forced to wear around his waist. Fingers eventually graduated from saint school, losing several/' more fingers in the process Martyrdom 231). He arrived at the glorious and as yet un-tree-covered campus of Canisius a few days after his 19th birthday. Being slightly hung over as a result of the 14 bottles of Formula 44 he had consumed the TH3 GRffON Y A HftUF- T2UULSWVT-